A Beginning… Maybe?

I imagine every writer should be able to relate…

Lost Train of Thought

There was a time when I couldn’t go a day without writing. When I carried around in my wallet, papers folded at least four times over, each little individual face littered with barely legible scribbles with no direct connection to the next, other than the fact they were all in the same chicken-scratch handwriting.
Oh! What simpler times!
When I continually lost focus in the stifling heat of the poorly ventilated chemistry lab; content with the fact that I’d never balance enough equations to consider attempting to pursue a career which had it as a requirement. Feigning off sleep, brought on by the uncomfortable helping of posho and beans now settling in, in concert with the blistering afternoon heat, it was impossible to pay attention to something I barely had an interest in.
So, I wrote.
Fictitious tales of adventure, random thoughts, rudimentary attempts at feeble hip-hop verses, sometimes other…

View original post 221 more words

Decoded: Three Kings

Mind blowing, this is Kurt Cobain. I’ve just been crowned/
The artist formerly known as Prince, feel the purple reign/
Of the new king, this a new, monarchy/
You can never beat me, I am not, Rodney/
Can’t box me in, I’m a Don, I don’t fight fair/
The new Martin Luther, but instead I’ll give you nightmares/
Three kings. You’ll never oppress us or test us/
You jokers are merely the court jesters/
I got more African Queens than Mswati it seems/
In my bath they making sure the royal penis is clean/
Klarity is the team, we’re the meanest with schemes/
We come to bring the noise while y’all be Mr. Beans/
Three kings with a sick flow – Royal flush!/
All will hush, while we spit so schizo/
When we on tracks and speak things, we’re beasting/
Y’all are weaklings, with cheap bling, we’re Three Kings!

Mind blowing, this is Kurt Cobain
Kurt Cobain was the legendary lead singer of the alternative rock group Nirvana. His genius was held in such high esteem his music could be called mind blowing. He was hopelessly addicted to cocaine (also known as ‘blow’) and had to be taken into rehab. Thus his mind was always under the influence of blow. Kurt Cobain escaped from rehab and was later found in a motel having committed suicide by placing a gun in his mouth and blowing his brains out. With three different interpretations, the opening line of my verse achieves the elusive triple entendre, which in itself is mind-blowing perhaps 🙂

I’ve just been crowned The Artist formerly known as Prince
The concept of this song was to rotate around being one of 3 Kings. Well before the King takes to the throne, he is born a prince and is known as a prince until he wears the crown. Also, during the 90s the musician Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol. So people took to calling him The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. This fact becomes more relevant with the next line.

Feel the purple reign, of the new king, this a new monarchy
Purple is the official colour of royalty. Thus I am referring to my royal reign as one of the three kings. Also, Purple Rain is the title of Prince’s most successful album. Prince was a legend in his musical genre as was Kurt Cobain and hopefully Enygma will be remembered just as fondly in UG Hip-Hop. Therefore, I have subtly  referred to us as 3 kings in our respective musical fields, keeping in line with the main theme of the song.

You can never beat me, I am not Rodney
Rodney King was famously brutally beaten by baton wielding cops in LA for no reason and even though the violence was filmed, the courts let the cops go. So they in effect also beat him in the courtroom. So I am distancing myself from this ‘King’ that I am not like him, I cannot be beaten.

Can’t box me in, I’m a Don, I don’t fight fair
Don King is probably the most famous boxing promoter of all time. Well known for his shady dealings (in his businesses and especially with the way he arranged boxing matches) and even went to prison for killing a man after bringing a knife to a fist fight. To be boxed in is to be pressured into a corner. But in this line I’m saying that I would become as cunning as Don King if I had to. I used the terms ‘boxed in’ and ‘fight fair’ because of Don King’s role as a boxing promoter. In addition to this, a Don is a term used to describe a boss of a criminal gang like The Mafia. Dons definitely do not fight fair and never let themselves be boxed in. Dons are also Kings in their own right.

The new Martin Luther, but instead I’ll give you nightmares
Martin Luther King’s was an extremely eloquent man and his most famous speech was called I Have a Dream. I compare my writing skills to him, but I’m so ominous that instead of dreams, I give people nightmares 🙂

Three Kings
I mentioned Rodney, Don and Martin Luther. These 3 famous black men of history all bear the surname ‘King’. Thus 3 Kings, keeping in line with the song’s concept and perhaps foreshadowing that the Klarity Team will also end up as 3 famous black men in history.

You’ll never oppress us, or test us. You jokers are merely the court jesters
A joker is a way of referring to an individual as being unserious. A Joker is also found in deck of cards where you will also find some Kings. In the olden days, before Satellite TV or internet, a King always had a jester in his royal court to provide entertainment. These were pretty much clowns who sang, danced, told jokes etc.. for the amusement of the King and his guests. Thus they provided entertainment but were nothing more than jokers and bowed to the whims of the king. This is how I rate my opponents and I am a King in comparison.

I got more African Queens, than Mswati it seems
King Mswati of Swaziland is renowned for his annual weddings. Thousands of women from all over the country compete every year to become his queens. I suggest that I am more popular with the ladies than even he 🙂 African Queen was the breakthrough single of Nigerian singer 2Face Idibia. But I will not explain the relevance of that line. I’ve got to keep some secrets 🙂

In my bath they making sure the royal penis is clean
One of my favourite movies of all time is Eddie Murphy’s Coming To America. One of the stand out scenes was when Eddie Murphy (an African prince) was in an enormous bath tub being bathed by some beauties. Then one emerged from under the water to declare that the royal penis was now clean. How she cleaned it was left to our imagination. Aside from that, there is also another personal reason why I referenced this movie and it shall also remain secret.

Klarity is the team, we’re the meanest with schemes
Schemes being cunning plans and also with clever rhyme schemes in our verses. I also happened to insert this particular line right in the middle of such a rhyme scheme.

We come to bring the noise, while y’all be Mr. Beans
Mr. Bean was always quiet in his movies and almost never ever made a sound let alone speak. So as Klarity, we are causing a ruckus with our movement and being noticed while our opponents are as silent as Mr. Bean.

Three Kings with a sick flow – Royal flush!
Here I come back and refer to the members of Klarity and how our style of rapping is outstanding. Those who are familiar with the rules of poker know that the strongest hand you can have is a Royal Flush and one of the combinations of cards that make up a Royal Flush includes having three kings. This is another way of saying that Klarity is the strongest team you can have (this reference to playing cards was quietly brought up in the line about the jokers). In addition, when a toilet is ‘flushed’, there is normally something nasty in there being washed away by the flow of the water. Sick flow…

All will hush, while we spit so schizo
Schizophrenia refers to a severe pschotic disorder. Schizophrenics are commonly called schizo for short. This is just a way of saying that the way we spit out are rhymes is insane, psycho! And when we spit our insane lyrics, all will hush ie. we make our opponents shut up. This is a continuation of the Mr. Bean analogy from a previous line.

When we on tracks and speak things, we’re beasting, y’all are weaklings..
A beast is a powerful creature. Thus, when you are beasting, then you are dominant in your craft. While our opponents are the opposite, instead of being dominant and powerful by beasting, they are weaklings.

With cheap bling, we’re Three Kings!
We are three kings, and kings are often seen dressed in royal jewels, the best money can buy. In comparison our opponents are dressed in cheap bling. This is again a metaphor for the difference in skill level between us and them.

 

Listen to the song here http://www.reverbnation.com/open_graph/song/12176487

Boos For Booze Blues

Being somehow involved in the entertainment industry carries a side-effect of regularly finding yourself at events and nightspots. Some people I know are like Dracula and literally live for the night life. Me, not so much. This often entails the usual perks such as complimentary VIP tickets, exemption from the virginity depriving sexual assault that is the security frisk and access to booze. Lots of booze.

Slow dance outside the club…

So I find myself in the awkward situation where some flammable fluid is filled in a glass in front of me. I politely decline, hoping that will be the end of that. But I am then presented with a range of other intoxicating options, “Pick your poison” is the challenge. Leaving me wondering where the alternative is for those of us wishing to remain healthy. I found it and asked for water.

“As a chaser? What are you having it with?” I enlighten my inquisitor that some mammals have been known to consume mere water as a satisfactory method of thirst alleviating sustenance.

“What?! Noooo! You have to have a real drink! You have to have fun!” But I’ve never tasted alcohol my whole life. Is it possible that all this time I have never experienced fun?

“But how can you enjoy yourself just drinking water? Kale you’re not serious. Is it because of religion? Nga I’ve seen some Muslims drinking! Why don’t you?” Erm, because I’m not them?

And this type of exchange goes on back and forth and my oppressors are never fully satisfied. Suddenly I am eyed with suspicion and conversations become awkward. This occurs probably every other week causing me to wonder why on earth are people so offended by the existence of teetotallers? Somehow we are perceived as pariahs of the party scene! I understand that Uganda is ranked No.1 by the World Health Organisation in alcohol consumption per capita, but that should not mean that those not contributing to these statistics should be bullied into conformity. What happened to live and let live? Sometimes it feels like those who choose to stay sober are persecuted for their lifestyle choice even more than homosexuals!

Hits That Are Sh**

Sometimes I hate the music industry. Even hip-hop nowadays. Turn on the radio or TV and you’ll find there’s something in common with the big hits that are dominating the airwaves. They’re obsessed with sexing bitches, selling drugs, getting high, wasteful spending, shooting guns and worst of all, fashion. Rearrange the letters that form ‘hits’ and you’ll know what I think about that. Emperor Obama in a recent interview said that he is in love with the art of hip-hop, although he does not always agree with the messages in hip-hop. I find this is one of the few occasions I agree with the imperialist.

Boring…

Hip-hop music is a beautiful artform. A level of poetic expression, the brilliance of which is not matched by any other genre of music. But how wasteful can we be if we spend all our time rapping about Red Bottom heels? Or how much money you spend in the club? Or how much weed you smoke? Okay, for the sake of art, perhaps you want to do a couple of tracks like that to get them off your chest. But how can your entire catalogue be about f***ing bitches, like Texan rapper Too $hort?

What concerns me though is that the trend is slowly creeping into Uganda. I get a lot of young aspiring MCs hitting me up and asking my advice on the lyrics they’ve written. A lot of the time, they are writing about some of the nonsense I’ve mentioned above. And who can blame these young impressionable minds when this is all that is played on TV and radio? Of course they will assume that you have to be exactly like Young Money if you want to be successful.

Over masturbation can cause semen to glue your fingers into weird positions.

I’m not suggesting that every rapper should turn into a conscious revolutionary struggle type MC like K’naan. I’m not an MC known for making predominantly conscious tracks either. But please let us have a little more diversity in the tracks we make, there are so many subjects under the sun. But more importantly, let us have a lot less negative messages influencing the minds of young talented up and coming MCs and their listeners.

How NOT To Love

One of the great things about being an (able) artist, is the adulation bestowed upon us by adoring fans. I can’t even pretend to be humble about it right now, it really is quite nice. Just picture for a moment being a teller at Stanbic Bank and receiving an email from a customer just to let you know that the cheque you cleared helped her to pay school fees in time for her son to sit his final exams and this has brought happiness and joy to them both. Or perhaps you are a traffic cop and you find a couple of young lads waiting for your shift to end so that they may recount with you how moved they were by the masterful way by which you controlled traffic and that they wish to be like you one day. We all deserve appreciation for a job well done whatever line of work we may happen to be in.

However, sometimes I feel as if rules and regulations should be introduced to govern the function of praise giving. It is very common for someone to insult you deeply and irreparably while they are actually genuinely attempting to extol your virtues. I’ve had people telling me I’m “Wow! Great like Rick Ross” or that I have “nice relics like Real Wearn.” Anybody who has been paying attention would know that I-Am an enemy of MMG* and YMCMB** respectively. I actively detest these two ‘artists’ to the extent that I recorded a diss track for Lil Wayne way back in 2009. If President Museveni was in the middle of a hardcore chaw and his lady, while marvelling at his physique and strength, were to say, “Wow your thighs are so strong! You must do a lot of walking like Besigye.” I suspect that the love session would come to a premature end. She could try all she wants to make up for the stress with an offer of massage, but I guarantee that story will not have a happy ending.

With the economy so tight that he has to walk to work, Besigye supplements his income by filling in for me when I’m on leave.

So people, please be a little informed when dishing out compliments. You may indirectly be dropping nuclear warhead insults instead. Oh wow, Zari has just walked past! I’m a big fan! I need to rush over and tell her how she’s as beautiful to me as Judith Heard…

*MMG=Maybach Music Group, which is headed by Rick Ross.
**YMCMB=Young Money Cash Money Billionaires, aka Young Money Entertainment which was founded by Lil Wayne.

Disparity Begins At Home

Once upon a time, I visited the Marine Club. At the security checkpoint I was frisked very thoroughly by the askaris on duty. This normally would be no big deal except that there was a group of 4 mzungus who walked straight past the security without being subjected to any check whatsoever. Furthermore, once inside, I had to pay entrance fee and was then ushered to the side of the building where an old movie was being shown on projector. What perturbed me though, was that I never saw any mzungu being made to pay the entrance fee. Also, none were ushered to the ‘cinema’ wall outside, they were instead all going inside the building. So being a curious chap, I followed them inside. The house had been converted into a bar but I was the only Ugandan indoors and that included the American bartenders. Getting service was damn near impossible as these chaps spent all their time vibing the mzungu ladies and getting drunk. When I finally did manage to get a soda, it was delivered to me as if it were the greatest inconvenience conceived by man. The bartender did not even open the bottle and I had to badger him for another ten minutes just to get him to do that! That was the last straw for me and I stormed out in protest.

His motivation to come to work was pretty clear. Emphasis on ‘pretty.’

How was it possible that we as Ugandans had allowed an establishment to pop up and become popular where racial segregation was being practised against the locals? That was a few years ago and the dastardly club is now closed, but we’ve been witnessing other disturbing tales in newer establishments. Quality Village and Mish Mash are rumoured to be some of the foreigner owned venues where the locals seem to be tolerated rather than welcomed. But should we place the blame entirely on the bazungu? How many times have you been in a restaurant and failed to receive service from a Ugandan waiter who spends all of his time and energy hovering around the foreigners? They even give them smiles that we have never been deemed worthy to receive. I have a friend (let’s call her Penelope) who entered a shop in Garden City with an elderly white man and failed to get service because the sales assistant was trying to help the mzungu, until he finally told her that Penelope was with him and should be attended to. Even the beggars on the streets seem to discriminate against us!

Preferably if you’re from the OC…

We as Ugandans, seem to have an inferiority complex that things from outside countries are superior to anything home-grown. This is why we are bullied on our own turf and say nothing. And those who have racist tendencies are able to thrive in this environment and get away with it.

Elevated Ego

Thursday mid-morning in Garden City. I had just completed devouring a Chicken Shawarma (I’m no glutton, it was time for brunch!) from Food Court and was making my way out via the elevators. Yeah I’m using the elevator to go down two flights, so what? When I visit the mall I’m going to get my absolute money’s worth! Sure there’s no entrance fee, but that Shawarma (plus soda water) cost 12k! A rolex would have been 10% of that. I know the Shawarma was so exorbitantly priced due to prohibitive overheads such as the rent. The rental charges would have taken into account access to facilities such as elevators. Therefore, if I do not use the lift every time I pay for something in Garden City, I am allowing myself to be a willing victim of a robbery!

I entered the lift on Floor 2 and found a lady inside. The number ’1′ had a red circular glow wrapped around it betraying her destination. I parked in the basement so I pressed ’0′. You know that awkward silence when you’re in the lift? When you don’t know whether you’re supposed to say hi, or maybe just nod gently to acknowledge recognition of a fellow sentient being in the vicinity? The law seems to be that everyone is supposed to ignore each other and lift their heads to stare at the numbers as they count down (or up) to your floor. Farting is discouraged. I ignored all the above options and buried my head into my Galaxy Tab so that I could wrap up this blog post and avoid the merciless sting of Matooke Nation’s horsewhip.

The doors slid open on Floor 1. I marched out triumphantly. As soon as I looked up from my Tab, horror gripped my heart as I realised that I was on the wrong floor. What do I do? I’ve already moved too far away from the lift that turning back with my tail tucked firmly between my legs as I scurry back into the vertical metal coffin was not an option! The ego in me had to pretend that I knew exactly what I was doing when I stormed out of the elevator doors, despite the lady having witnessed me pressing the ’0′! I continued with purpose walking further and further away from my car but also, most importantly, from humiliation.

“I just wanna get lifted…”

This reminds me of a punchline from a verse I recorded on the ‘Warrior Remix’ a couple of weeks ago with O.P.U. and Sulfuric.

“I hate fear/
I’m a Braveheart, William. Cos I’m a Warrior with the wordplay, I shake spears/
Similar to Shaka Zulu when I see you haters/
You’ll fear for your life like when Straka enters your elevator.”

You can hear Warrior Remix here…
http://www.reverbnation.com/open_graph/song/12764886

Valentine’s Vexations

A young man, dressed in burgundy jeans, red t-shirt and crimson baseball cap disembarks a boda-boda outside a flower stall. He joins the back of the long, bustling queue. It is nothing short of a frenzy and it is clear that the flower seller is ill-equipped to handle such a large number of customers. After all, how often do Ugandans buy flowers riyaleh?? 30 minutes later, our young Maroon Man hops onto another boda with a bunch of flowers that had been ignored by all the people ahead of him in the queue. He dodges the stares in town as people stare, point at him and laugh. If it were not for his black skin, his face would be a very visible shade of red too.

Not this Maroon Man

He visits his friend Ssalongo who owns a special hire taxi. He asks Ssalongo to lend him his spesho for the evening. Ssalongo agrees but of course, at an extortionate fee.  Our ruby baby drives the spesho to Mary Stuart Hall in Makerere to pick up his date for the evening. Her name wasn’t Scarlet, but the dress she wore, was. He hands over the card that today cost 9,800/= when every other day, cards in that particular shop never exceed 4k. He receives a warm embrace and a peck. They drive into town to a nice restaurant for dinner. It’s fancier than he could normally afford, but he had managed to borrow enough money to make it possible. However, when they arrived, they were told they hadn’t made a reservation and so would have to wait at the bar until a table became available. By the time they managed to get seating over an hour later, the buffet was cold and all the good stuff was already consumed. The total bill was also somehow slightly more than our Cherry Chum expected. Something to do with adding VAT. He used the money he had put aside for emergency petrol.

In the evening, they get back to Lumumba Hall. Our young hero had to pay his Valentine-less roommate to make himself scarce for the night. Our Ketchup Couple proceed to get intimate on the bed. The day in general had not gone according to plan, but at least it was finally paying off now. As our young man’s hand reaches under the lady’s dress, she stops him. She tells him that it’s that time of the month so they shall spend the whole night cuddling instead. The boy saw red.

Who is St. Valentine? Why does he have a day dedicated to him on our calendars? Why do we all get ourselves caught up in the hype, drama and expectation of this day? Is it even relevant to us in Africa? Perhaps someone should table a motion in Parliament to have this day abolished? Actually, with all the financial activity that occurs on this one day, that is one thing I am sure will never happen.

Hope you all had a Happy Valentine’s day 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Enygmaniacs!

But really what is so happy about the New Year? The optimistic amongst us (like Oprah) will say that it’s a fresh opportunity for us to try and get it right in the New Year. Hmmm. Why? Just because we have thrown out our old calendars with all the bad memories of the previous 12 months? How about for those who’ve had a perfect year? Isn’t the New Year a period of foreboding? An opportunity to undo all the good from the year before? How do we prevent this from happening? Resolutions? The only resolution that works for me is HD1080p (it’s as if Rooney is actually in my sitting room).

Rooney at Namboole.

I think that waiting for the calendar year to end/begin before sitting down to assess challenges that need to be met and how to address them is a procrastinator’s game. This is an exercise that should be done internally on an almost day to day basis. Still, that won’t stop us all from joining in the fun, hey? For the record, I’ve already broken mine and I suspect most of you have suffered the same fate!

Let me wind up by sharing with you some random New Year quotes…

“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
-Anonymous

“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
-James Agate

“Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.”
-Eric Zorn

“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.”
-Anonymous

“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!”
-Joey Adams

“Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
-Oscar Wilde

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.”
-Jay Leno

Appreci-hating Ugandans

Unless you’ve been domiciled under the proverbial rock in recent times, then you should by now be well aware that there was a big fight in town. I am not talking about Bad Black vs. David Greenhalgh (aka Dumb White) or Kabakumba Masiko vs. Pretty Much Everyone. I am of course talking about the World Kickboxing Federation Intercontinental bout between Golola Moses vs. Andras Nagy. But I’m not here to discuss who won or lost. I’m here to address a larger issue.

Upon hearing of Besigye abdicating his FDC throne, Golola began training to become his replacement.

Even before the fight started, I found several people talking about how they wish Golola gets his ass kicked. First dwell on that sentiment for a second. A Hungarian champion flies to Uganda to challenge Golola and our won people wish abject failure upon our own representative! This is not mass murderer Joseph Kony. This is not a shady politician who has stolen money meant to prevent Ugandans dying from malaria and AIDS. This is a simple humble man who has trained long and hard in an attempt to try and be the best ambassador to Uganda that he can be in his chosen discipline.

Don't look for trouble before trouble looks for you...

Why are there so many haters? “He talks a lot!” Pardon my French, but so fucking what? So did Muhammed Ali. So does Jay-Z. And if anything, the boasts from these men and countless others merely served to increase their mass appeal. People need to understand this is a combat sport and the combat begins before reaching the ring. The most important element of a fight apart from physical fitness is the psychological fitness. When Golola makes grandiose statements that he trains by kicking down trees, he is not doing so because he is arrogant. It is to build a fear factor around himself so that he can intimidate opponents. Also to create humour for our amusement and to increase the profile of his sport which was pretty much dead until he came along.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Golola

But Ugandans are hating. With this type of attitude, is it a wonder that the Uganda Cranes recently fell apart against Kenya? As Ugandans, we must learn to love and support ourselves. Only then will we be able to conquer the world in every category we set out to dominate, whether in academics, sports, business or the arts.

Nagy is in trouble...