Alone In The Dark

Umeme. The name alone generates a strong feeling of revulsion upon its hearing. By now many of you will have sampled the track* that I dedicated to the Harbingers of Darkness. We all feel the pain and the strain of being abruptly plunged into the Stone Age again and again (hmmm, these days I even rhyme by accident). This time however, I’d like to focus on something a little more positive. FUN ways to spend our time while waiting for the return of curra!

1. It seems that most people’s default setting after load shedding, is to go straight to sleep. Why not spice up this activity by making sure you’re not alone? After all, this is one time where we usually switch off the lights voluntarily anyway. NB: I do not encourage either premarital sex or deviant behavior, so please make sure that you only do this with your spouse, capiche?

2. Deplete the remaining battery on your phone by calling the Umeme hotline and letting them know how much you’re enjoying their new improved Unlimited Darkness Package.

3. Since PlayStation is out of the question, you can relive your childhood by playing classics like Tag, Hide-and-Seek, Cops and Robbers, Mummy & Daddy, Matatu Candlelight Edition, Kwepena and others. NB: Apologies to anyone born in the 1990s. I know you had no real childhood and that the concept of non digitised games baffles you. Please bear with us.

Batman playing Matatu in the dark. He has to pick 5.

4. Become a superhero and fight crime. I think this is how The Dark Knight came about.

5. One disadvantage with electricity is that we spend all our time sitting in front of a TV, computer, microwave, PlayStation, etc.. Therefore, the darkness is the perfect opportunity to finally get some exercise into our daily routines. Although with the current situation of no current, you risk turning into the second coming of Billy Blanks (again, I apologise to any confused 90’s babies).

Billy Blanks is rumoured to be Golola's brother.

6. Practise telekinesis.

Alright, I’m out. Please give me more ideas in the comments section below. I’m currently watching a candle melt…

*PS: Here’s a link to my F.U.M.E.M.E joint, enjoy: http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_11053386

Don’t Mention Donation

**I originally posted this on the delightful Matooke Nation blog…

Halfway through typing out this blog post (trying frantically to meet the oppressive and completely unrealistic two week deadline imposed on me by the tyrants who run Matooke Nation), I heard a loud hooting sound which alerted me to grab the steering wheel and swerve out of the way of an incoming four-wheel drive vehicle. I had to place the laptop on the passenger seat so that I could properly gesticulate obscenities with my hands at the reckless driver who almost knocked into me.

It is at this moment that I noticed something peculiar written on the side of his car. Mbu “This vehicle was donated by ***** [name of NGO].” Now I found this to be both amusing and bemusing at the same time. Why on earth is this NGO tie-tying on the car for? What I understand by the word ‘donate’, is to give freely. Now if the vehicle has been given freely, why should the NGO encumber the recipients with an unwanted tattoo? It’s as if they’ve been branded like an Ankole cow! You’re still my property whether you like it or not!

He clearly misunderstood when they told him that the Ankole cow is horny.

I was always taught that you’re supposed to give with one heart and without using the act of donation to show off or undermine the recipient. Now how is the driver supposed to pose on campus chicks and take them out for coke, chips, chaps, chicken ne’nkoko when he has some random donation logo inscribed on the side of the vehicle?

The opposite of swag...

Now consider this. If a campaigning politician were to give out a few metallic cases to a handful of boarding school students, imagine how people would feel if on each suitcase, were emblazoned the words “Donated by Seya Ssebaggala. Please Voting Me!” People would doubt the politicians true intentions for his act of goodwill.

So if you belong to an organization that ‘donates’ vehicles, how about you just try handing over the car and leaving it at that. No stickers, no logos, no visual reminders of your benevolence. Or is it too hard to do charity without trying to get some free advertising out of it too?

*This article was donated to Matooke Nation by www.Twitter.com/IamEnygma

Annoying Time Murderers

Once upon a time, visiting banking halls was a perilous endeavour. The branches were few and far between, overly crowded and impossibly bogged down by procedural bureaucracy that it was often wise to clear out a couple of days in your calendar for the simple matter of visiting your money. And that’s not even during school fees season. Who am I kidding? It’s still like that today!

Anyway, some bright chap somewhere stumbled upon the solution of creating a faceless machine slotted into a hole in the wall. This would allow normally functioning human beings to insert a card, type their pin, withdraw their cash and leave with a receipt all within the space of 60 seconds. In fact, I believe the original script of the Nicolas Cage and Angelina Jolie blockbuster, Gone in 60 Seconds, was based on this magnificent concept. However the idea was derided as being far too fictitious for an average cinema-goer to believe since the majority of us have never actually witnessed a normally functioning human being using an ATM!

A watched pot never boils...

I mean seriously! What the hell are you doing at the damn machine?! Is there a new video game installed in the ATMs that I don’t know about, as part of the banks’ public relations programme? Perhaps, I’m behind the times and there’s a hack to access Facebook from the ATM? That would sure explain why some of you can arrive after a visit from the salon and leave just in time for your next hair appointment! And don’t get me started on those guys who put in the card, transact, take it out, then put it back in, transact, take it out, put it back, transact, take it out, etc ad nauseam!

Good grief! I think there should be a time limit on the ATM cards so that if you spend longer than 60 seconds (okay 75 for some of you slower ones), then your card is swallowed and you are forced into the banking hall. I mean, I started typing this blog after the guy in front of me punched in his pin code and he’s still not finished!!

PS: Please stop calling them ATM machines. ATM is an acronym for Automated Teller Machine. Which means you’re actually calling it an Automated Teller Machine Machine.

Love Thy Neighbour

Welcome, welcome, please take off your shoes and tip-toe gently through the foyer of my mind. No, you cannot go back and put on your shoes, don’t be so rude! Regardless of how much difficulty you may have in navigating the shards of glass, heavy duty nails and river of lava that flows through my sub-consciousness. In Africa we respect our host when we pay them a visit at their home.

This rather neatly brings into sharper focus matters that transpired over the Independence weekend. Our dear neighbours Kenya, took time out from their heavy schedule of pick-pocketing and armed robbery, to play against us in a friendly game of football. According to the script, they were to arrive at Namboole, remove their shoes and promptly lay down and swallow an 8-2 massacre. I am led to understand that these dwellers of Nairobbery are mostly Arsenal fans so this experience would not be foreign to them.

Rather rudely however, the Kenyans brought with them bad manners from across the border and refused to accept what was written in destiny! They actually defended their goal against our attacks, made tackles to win possession in midfield and even took one or two shots at our goal! The nerve of these Neanderthals! The result was that the match ended goalless and the Kenyans stole our best opportunity to qualify for African Cup of Nations in over 3 decades!

Okay, I must admit that I kind of admire the Kenyans for finally taking the initiative to export one of their main skills, namely, thievery. Similarly, we also attempted to export corruption to the United States through our former Mayor Seya, several years ago. However, we at least had the good grace to take our bad manners to another continent entirely! When interacting with your closest neighbours, such behaviour is truly despicable and uncalled for. Kenya, we hope you are ashamed of yourself.

Kush Decoded

Hello everyone, Decoded is back…

For today’s instalment, I wish to discuss my lyrics in Kush K-Mix. I am a member of a group on Facebook called Freestylers’ Conglomerate. The group was set up by a lady called Suze Peru and has been used as a creative outlet for established and upcoming rappers alike.

Initially, this was mainly done by way of discussing hot topics in the hip-hop world and writing freestyles on the wall. At some point however, we decided that from time to time, we should take the experience to the next level. It isn’t enough to be merely internet emcees, a trip to the studio would have to be scheduled to see whether some of these web rappers could cut it in the booth. This led to us recreating some of our favourite hip-hop tracks namely, Respect My Conglomerate, Empire State of Mind, Black & Yellow and most recently Kush. The next project will be a completely brand new and original song composed by the members of the conglomerate.

When it was decided that we were to do Kush, I was faced with a bit of a dilemma. To those who are unaware, Kush refers to a brand of marijuana. I am an advocate of sober living and have never consumed any type of drugs or alcohol. Not even shisha or cigarettes. So how was I to have a relevant verse on a song about smoking weed? Well, somewhat controversially (to some people at least), I  decided to make my verse entirely against the practise of smoking weed. The lyrics are as follows…

Mr. Weed always insisted on wearing his seat-belt.

“Everybody getting high, like a palm in the sky/
Doing opposite of bye, except E-N-Y-/
G-M-A, I hear them say, that he chokes/
But I don’t smoke weed cos I’m already dope/
Mr. Corporate Flow, I got my tie on nice/
I’m fly alright. Why? Cos I’m high on life/
Grab a spliff? Nah man, I rather quit/
Than get stoned like the tanks on the Gaza Strip.”

Here’s a YouTube link to the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7FfgUOiyhk
And here is a break down of my bars…

1. Everybody getting high, like a palm in the sky/
Another expression for smoking weed, is smoking trees. And I’m sure everyone knows that when one gets intoxicated, they are said to be “high”. In this line, I wanted to first produce an image of a palm tree. Palm trees are very, very tall trees and thus are very high off the ground. It also ties in with the concept of smoking trees.

Jack was high and confused this for a beanstalk.

However, in the next line I clarify a different meaning for “palm in the sky”. This is the palm of your hand.

2. Doing opposite of bye, except E-N-Y-/
When the palm of the hand is up doing the opposite of bye, you are usually saying ‘hi’ to someone.

For those still trying to find my identity, here are my fingerprints as a clue…

3. G-M-A, I hear them say, that he chokes/
Continuing from the previous line, I say everybody is getting high except for E-N-Y-G-M-A (me, of course). “I hear them say that he chokes” refers to the rumours I’ve heard from people that I smoke weed.

(Some people are stupid and assume that if someone is a rapper, then that means they automatically engage in certain behaviours. But when you “assume”, you make an “ass” of “u” and “me”. This paragraph isn’t a deciphering of my lyrics. But just some extra commentary regarding my views on the situation of assumptions and rumour mongering. Will probably turn it into a song some day. I’ll shut up now.)

4. But I don’t smoke weed cos I’m already dope/
I guess everybody knows that dope is a general term for all types of substances that cause you to get high, including weed. Dope is also slang for something fantastic or great. Therefore, as a rebuttal to the rumour mongerers who think I smoke weed, I’m letting them know that I don’t need dope because I’m already dope. I do not require weed as I am great enough without it.

5. Mr. Corporate Flow, I got my tie on nice/
A reference to one of my popular songs “Corporate Flow.” Also slightly hinting that it is a little unbecoming for a corporate dude to participate in pufftastic activities…

6. I’m fly alright. Why? Cos I’m high on life/
Again I insist that I’m too great, too fly to smoke weed. This ties in with the next punchline because someone who is high on life might possibly be flying.

‘Nuff sed.

7. Grab a spliff? Nah man, I rather quit/
To those who don’t know, a spliff is a roll of weed. Also known as a joint.

8. Than get stoned like the tanks on the Gaza Strip.
Getting stoned is another way of saying getting high. Getting stoned is also what happens to Israeli tanks as they go about their noble and regular work of murdering innocent Palestinians.

Palestinian boy attempts to fight fire with fire by throwing a stone made in the USA.

Drugs are bad. Mmmkay?

Spinal Cord

I’m back.

That’s the reason for the odd title of today’s blog piece. Which doesn’t make much sense since it’s likely to be about social networks…

Enips

I’ve taken something of a sabbatical from the world of blog but I intend to get back into the swing of things again now and hopefully will never again allow such a lull in activity on these hallowed pages.

What have I been up to lately? Well I’ve been fasting the Holy Month of Ramadhan, might write a little something about that experience. Also been working as usual but studio time has taken a back seat in recent weeks. But just because I wasn’t recording didn’t mean that I didn’t have some items in cold storage ready for defrosting. One such item was my single ‘Ten Reasons’ which was released very recently and seems to be quite popular.

The track can be heard if you follow this link http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_10003665 and the lyrics should be there too. The lyrics are also available in the Notes section of my Facebook profile (www.Facebook.com/Enygmatic).

There may be a few of you who wish to download a copy of the Ten Reasons. If that is the case, then all you need to do is ask me on Twitter and I’ll send you a copy! You can follow me on http://www.Twitter.com/IamEnygma.

Peace…

Lyrics to “I Know”

If you feel like singing along, here’s the YouTube link… http://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=r79SPKx52U

*Tina Turner vocals in brackets

(Though I hardly know your name/
I know about love and I knoooooow/
Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)

Wama Tina, stay close to me, I'll protect you from harm.

VERSE ONE:
From the moment that I saw you, I couldn’t ignore you/
It was obvious to me that I would always adore you/
Made me lose my breath, but not because I’m asthmatic/
From the shape of your hips you could satisfy my ass fetish/
Looks only capture the eyes, character grabs the heart/
You’re off the charts, I could never see us apart/
Your voice real husky, you could pull a dogsled/
Told me I’m a nobody and to get lost with my nonsense/
I’m perfect as a nobody, since nobody’s perfect/
Scratch below the surface, then you’ll see it’s worth it/
Looked into your eyes, and our souls intertwined/
All I had to was find you and now the world is mine/
Like minded individual, divine and so spiritual/
Surprising you’re single, all the guys wanna get with you/
No hope! Fell for you like bungee with no rope/
You’re so dope, and I quote, this must be love because…

HOOK:
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
Yeah, I know a thing or two
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
That I can teach to you
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
Forever staying true
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
Yeah, long as it’s me and you

These are the clues I’ve had to resort to…

VERSE TWO:
Ey yo, verse two, preparing for a date and my nerves blew/
Standing in the mirror and I’m doing rehearsals/
Wanna immerse you, in euphoria and merriment/
Nurture and nurse you, cos I know you are heavensent/
Uh, we went for movies and ice cream/
Inception, no exception, you’re the star of my nice dreams/
And I know that this might seem/
Premature, but we should have babies, you’re my queen/
You’re easily the most amazing girl in Kampala/
You ain’t Illuminati, you don’t have your eye on my dollars/
Searching for you since the day I was born/
If raindrops were kisses, I would send you a storm/
So it’s on, like Katrina! Fall back, I know that/
Kisses are like tears, real ones you can’t hold back/
Hope that you call back – never be fakin this/
I’m your stallion now in a stable relationship.

HOOK:
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
Yeah, I know a thing or two
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
That I can teach to you
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
Forever staying true
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
Yeah, long as it’s me and you

VERSE THREE:
I wanna kiss and hug you and you said (I Know)
No one else above you and you said (I Know)
I will always love you and you said (I Know)
(Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
I wanna kiss and hug you and you said (I Know)
No one else above you and you said (I Know)
I will always love you and you said (I Know)
Well, I guess there’s nothing left to say…

HOOK:
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
Yeah, I know a thing or two
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
That I can teach to you
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
Forever staying true
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
Yeah, long as it’s me and you

(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
No man knows more about love than I do
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
And I know absolutely nothing at all
(I know about love, love, love-love-love)
No man knows more about love than I do
(I knooooow! Ooh, ooh, oo-oo-oooh)
And I know absolutely nothing, nothing!

Stop asking me about Tina Turner beats! Just appreciate the lyrics...

Enygma Of The State Decoded

Okay, by now regular readers would have noticed that every now and then I decide to decipher the thought process behind my lyrics in a series called Decoded (named after Jay-Z’s book of the same concept). This time however, I’ll be doing things a little bit differently as I won’t be decoding my writings, but the artwork on my mixtape cover.

Is it me behind bars? Or is it you?

BARS 1
The first thing that stands out is the bars. To those who are uninitiated, a bar refers to a unit of music, it’s musical notation for a repeating pattern of musical beats. It is common for rappers to write one line of their lyrics for each bar in the beat and as such, the terms rhymes, lyrics, lines & bars have become so synonymous with each other that they are now pretty much inter-changeable. This has given birth to plenty of creative lyrics where an MC will boast of possessing “harder bars” than anyone else and other such statements.

With a knowledge of this background, it becomes pretty obvious as to why it would make sense for me to have metal bars on my mixtape cover as a metaphor for the lyrical/musical bars that will be heard on the CD. Listeners need only take one look and know that they will find some hard bars on my disc!

BARS 2
The prison bars also represent something else a little less obvious. I am standing up close to the bars peering through them almost in an expectant manner. My demeanour is that of a prisoner who has concluded his time locked away from the society and is now ready to be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public! This is a metaphor for my position in the hip-hop industry.

Many don’t know I had actually retired from rapping several years ago due to a variety of factors. My return to the mic after all these years of silence is akin to my being locked up in a prison cell and finally being set free.

BARS 3
To complete this graphical triple-entendre, the imprisonment of Enygma also has a relevance relating to my style of rap. From the very beginning, when I came out I was determined to be a little bit more interesting lyrically, even complex. My favourite lyricists do not spoonfeed me their thoughts but deliver them in more intricate ways which are often hidden and sometimes take multiple listens to be fully appreciated. This is the kind of MC I feel I am (or strive to be depending one’s viewpoint).

Unfortunately, most listeners prefer simple, easily digested lyrics that are delivered in bite-sized chunks. Proof of this is in the record sales where the majority of critically acclaimed lyricists are lagging behind, while characters like the oft ridiculed Soulja Boy, Wacka Flocka Flame and Plies are raking in millions. Thus, when I started recording for this mixtape, I was told over and over again that the listenership is not ready, that people don’t understand metaphors, that my punchlines will fall on deaf ears. This made me feel like I was in a psychological prison, as if I have to conform who I am as a writer to make everyone else comfortable. How can I express myself effectively if I am restrained from doing it in the way I choose?

Thankfully, there are enough listeners out there who did not find my writing that complicated or difficult to understand. These are my fans and I appreciate you all for embracing a style of lyricism which was very rare to hear on radio. Without you, this mixtape would never have come out.

TABLECLOTH
On most CD covers, you’ll have the artist name and then the title of the mixtape/album. On this one however, only the title “Enygma of the State” is very clearly emblazoned across the face of the CD case.

Some eagle-eyed observers however, had managed to locate the logo of the name “Enygma” written on the tablecloth in the background. Seeing as I am all about being Enygmatic and mysterious with my hidden meanings, it’s wholly appropriate the my name should be a little hidden, even on my own CD cover 🙂

NUMBER 16
Earlier we talked about bars and their significance in music. Usually, a conventional hip-hop verse would consist of 16 bars. As such, the number 16 has a special place in the heart of many MCs. This is the reason why there are 16 tracks listed.

HIDDEN TRACK
Need I say more? There are 16 tracks listed, but there’s actually one more hidden in there somewhere! I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that though…

– – – – – – – – – – – –

Props to Loukman Ali for designing the artwork.
You can buy my mixtape from MusicLand (Kampala Road), Yego Productions (Bukoto), Talent Africa (Kamwokya) and Roota Records (Namuwongo).

Work on the second mixtape has already begun…

Champions League Misery

So that’s it for another year. Manchester United concede two stunning goals in the second half and all hope of securing another Champions League trophy evaporate for yet another year.

(If the words Nou Camp and Sir Matt Busby mean nothing to you. Or understanding the offside law is equivalent to deciphering Fermat’s Last Theorem, then I suggest you walk away right now. Come back for the next blog which might be about high heels and handbags…)

As a lifelong Manchester United fan I have been fortunate enough to enjoy many successes over the years. The club has a strong tradition of winning a trophy every season (Arsenal fans, take note). This season however, seemed to be heading in a different direction from the start. There hasn’t been much investment in the club in recent times and as a result, there have been gaping holes in key positions at the club (such as central midfield) and a dependence on senior players, a few of whom should have long since retired.

With such weaknesses in the squad this season in particular, overwhelming success was not particularly expected and Chelski’s status as the bookie’s favourites for the league title was a pretty fair assessment. However, when you have the greatest manager in the history of the game, he can sometimes be prone to acts of sorcery. Confounding most pundits’ early season expectations, Sir Alex led a squad labelled as average to a 19th League title. Leaving Arsenal’s Infants and Chelski’s Geriatrics in his dust.

As if such an achievement was not enough, we also found ourselves in the Champions’ League Final for the third time in 4 seasons. The problem was that we were facing Barcelona, who on their day are the most unplayable side the world have ever seen. The head would naturally tell you to relax, enjoy the game, be grateful you are in the final, don’t raise your expectations too high. This is not a vintage United Squad and as such should be expected to emerge victorious against the most elite XI that ever walked this earth. However, our Creator cursed us with a heart that gives us hope. Hope that told us that anything can happen in football and we shall once again lift the trophy affectionately known as Big Ears!

Lacking match-fitness, Darren Fletcher found other ways to contribute to the cause.

The match kicks off and the tension is so thick it would require an industrial heavy-duty chain saw to cut it. The hope that I had previously been merely flirting with before the match was now making out with me as Manchester United spent almost all of the first ten minutes in Barcelona’s penalty area. Alas, it was not to last. Barcelona eventually found their footing and once they got into their stride, it wasn’t long before they converted one of the chances they had started creating almost at will. A familiar feeling of impending doom began to sink in. 2 years ago we faced Barcelona in the Final and were defeated 2-0. This was supposed to be the realisation of our vengeance!

Wayne Rooney, perhaps remembering the bitter taste of defeat and determined to avoid a second helping took matters into his own hands and charged into the Barcelona penalty area, playing a quick one-two with 37 year old Ryan Giggs, before blasting it home beyond the Barcelona goalkeeper! 1-1! Game on!

Half-time allowed some respite from the drama and an opportunity to take stock of the situation. Both Manchester United and Barcelona had won this trophy on 3 previous occasions each. Whoever wins this game instantly leapfrogs the other in the history books. 45 minutes gone and we have acquitted ourselves well. 45 minutes to go with the score at 1-1! If someone offered that to me before the match, I would have bitten their arm and shoulder off! 45 minutes away from immortality! Sir Alex Ferguson was on the verge of becoming a legend to legends!

The second half was sheer misery. Someone must have served the Barcelona players Red Bull spiked with the urine of Zeus himself. Our players simply didn’t show up for the second half at all. Interestingly enough though, our defenders kept their shape well and Barcelona were still unable to pass their way through our centre-backs which is their usual route to goal. So naturally they decided to take a couple of shots from outside the box. And scored both.

With the score at 3-1, the writing was on the wall. The last minute comebacks that this club was famed for were not looking very likely against the possession football of Barcelona. By the time the final whistle blew, it was almost a relief to have the stress over and done with. As predicted and expected, Barcelona lifted the trophy while Manchester United players and fans looked on with begrudging respect that the better team had one.

I believe it is indisputable that there has never been a superior group of players to collectively kick a football. There is no shame to lose to such a great team. As a Manchester United fan, I can be proud of my team for being the most successful in England having won more trophies than any others (yes Liverpool fans, that includes you). We defied all expectations this season and so deserve to hold our heads up high. We must forget the despair of the Champions’ League Final and turn our focus to rebuilding and relaunching yet another attack on the crown next season.

But as John Cleese once famously said, “It’s not the despair, I can deal with the despair. It’s the hope…”

This is the encapsulation of our feelings.

How To Get Chicks

When one becomes an artist and develops a following, some changes automatically begin to happen. One of the more intriguing changes I find, is that you are relied upon to offer tips, advice, guidance and wisdom in pretty much every field.

I have been consulted on everything from music, schools, business, politics, cartoons, Greek mythology, food, mobile phones, religion, astronomy and pretty much everything else someone can think of. I have also been asked about chicks. Today I’m going to discuss how to get them!

This is how King Mswati III of Swaziland gets chicks.

People seem to have an obsession (often fuelled by what we see in the media), with the concept of getting laid. Much as none of us would be here without procreation, it is not a subject I would expect to dominate people’s mind so much. Nonetheless, much as some people consider this a foul subject, I shall proceed to share what I know on this vast subject.

First of all, you must make sure that you have a cock. Don’t be alarmed, I have to make sure because there are those without and if they are reading this then they are barking up the wrong tree. Make sure you get a good fertile hen for your cock and then place them in a contained area, periodically providing food and water.

After a period of time you shall find that the cock and the hen shall perform what is scientifically referred to as ‘bad manners’ and before you know it, some eggs will be laid. When they hatch (some won’t, but that’s normal) you will find that you now have several little chicks. They may not be fly chicks, but they will certainly be cute.

Now I am aware some of you were reading this article with the hope that by the end of the lesson you will be placing your lips on some breasts or thighs. You can continue feeding the chicks until they grow up to be mature fowls. Then slaughter and cook and you shall have very tasty chicken breast and thighs to keep you satisfied all night.

Today’s lesson: Don’t count your chicks before they’re hatched…